At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought

As usual, I bought "In Touch" this weekend even though I know the articles are always the same (Britney, J. Lo, pic of Demi/Ashton) but you can't beat the price...$1.99 compared to $3.29 for "US"...good bye "Stars...They're Just Like Us!" hello same thing in "In Touch" w/ a different name....that I can't recall. Best one ever...a picture of some star wiping dog sh*t off their shoe. Until that point, I could never imagine an actual "celebrity" stepping in sh*t, but the photograph convinced me that there isn't much difference b/w, say, Jessica Simpson and myself. In this issue, there are pics of her, dare I say it, grocery shopping. Your secrets out Jessica! You'll never live this down. So yes, she does by food, much like myself. We're practically the same person, except I doubt she counts in her head (given that she can count...ouch!) how much she's spending so as not to go above $50. There's also an article that discusses her struggle w/ her weight. I'm sorry, what? So she had trouble sticking to Atkins...it made her moody...big f*cking deal. Let's talk about trying to lose weight when you can't afford the "healthy" food b/c Stouffer's is that much cheaper and you had to cancel your gym membership b/c you can't afford it (or you never went...but maybe if I had the money to keep it even though I didn't use it, it would still be there for me should the inspiration ever occur). So there you have it.

My dream job is to be a commentator on "Best Week Ever." I think you have to be a comedian first. Unfortunately, I can't write stand-up as I learned a few years ago when I attempted a routine in front of a few of friends who only laughed b/c a) they were wasted and b) they were laughing at me, not w/ me. That's what happens when you include lame Micheal Jackson jokes and impersonnations of family members that are nowhere near accurate or funny in your routine. I learned a lesson that evening...one I'll never forget. That lesson is this: I lack the ability to comment on pop culture in a humorous/comedic way. I also can't point out everyday things and make them funny. Like making someone laugh and then say, "That's so true." Ex: When Ellen pointed out in her HBO special that you need scissors to open scissors. Think about this..."That's so true."

I watched a marathon of "Reno 911!" this weekend...this show is so f*cking funny, if you haven't seen it and you have a sense of humor, watch it. You will thank me. I'm serious, you will actually seek me out so that you shake my hand for giving you the gift of comedy. And it won't be the first time that's happened (see story above).

I briefly mentioned Kerry's bday in the last post...but to say a little more, I met some really cool people (I sound like such a dork when I say "cool"...I make the word very "uncool"...Should I maybe say "neat"? Or "rad"? Anyway I put it, it sounds lame) and hung out w/ some people that I already knew, but that doesn't make them any less important. And although I was quite wasted, my memory is not fuzzy...unless I did something stupid, then it's fuzzy. "What, I don't remember???"

I need to figure out what I want to do re: asking for a raise/getting a new job if I don't get a raise. I'm scared. I'm not ready for decisions. I need more time. Aaaahhhh!!!!

The phone hasn't rang in 45 mins...I'm so bored...I can't stop typing. I wish I got paid to do this.
R.